• Register
  • Help
Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 13

Topic: Today's Joke.

Share/Bookmark
  1. #1
    Senior Member Styxx's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2004
    Location
    West Seneca, NY
    Posts
    11,075

    Talking Today's Joke.

    A man and an ostrich walk into a restaurant. The waitress asks, "What will it be?"
    The man replied "a burger and a coke." "And you?" "I'll have the same," the ostrich replies. They finish their meal and pay. "That will be $4.50," The man reached into his pocket and pulled out the exact amount. They do this every day till Fri.
    "The usual?" she asked. "No, today is Friday. I'll have steak and a coke."
    "Me too." says the ostrich. They finish and pay. "That will be $10.95"
    The man reached in and pulls out the exact amount again just like all week.
    The waitress was dumb-founded. "How is it that you always have the exact amount?"
    "Well," says the man. "I was cleaning my attic and I found a dusty lamp. I rubbed it and a genie appeared." Wow!" said the waitress. "What did you wish for?"
    "I asked that when I needed to pay for something, the exact amount would appear in my pocket." "Amazing! Most people would ask for a million dollars. But what's with the ostrich?" "Well," said the man. "I also asked for a chick with long legs."
    Styxx

  2. #2

  3. #3

    Re: Today's Joke.

    That's good!

    RichR

  4. #4
    Senior Member Styxx's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2004
    Location
    West Seneca, NY
    Posts
    11,075

    Talking Re: Today's Joke.

    Anadderjuan!

    A rich millionaire throws a massive party for his 50th birthday. During this party, he grabs the microphone and announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two great white sharks in it.
    "I will give anything of mine to the man who swims across that pool."
    So the party continues with no events in the pool until SUDDENLY, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened.
    In the pool a man is swimming as hard as he can and fins come out of the water and jaws are snapping and this guy just keeps on going. The sharks are gaining on him and this guy reaches the end and gets out of the pool, tired and soaked. The millionaire grabs the microphone and says, "I am a man of my word. Anything of mine I will give: my Ferraris, my house, absolutely anything, for you are the bravest man I have ever seen. So sir what will it be?" The guy grabs the microphone and says, "Why don't we start with the name of the jerk who pushed me in!"
    Styxx

  5. #5

    Re: Today's Joke.

    Always great to start the day with a laugh! Thanks Styxx!

    Maurice, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor for his physical.
    A few days later the doctor saw Maurice walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady by his side.
    A couple of days later do doctor spoke to Maurice and said, "You’re really doing great, aren’t you?"
    Maurice replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
    The doctor said, "I did not say that. I said, 'You got a heart murmur. Be careful.'"
    Sean Patrick Hannifin
    My MP3s | My Melody Generator | my album
    "serious music" ... as if the rest of us are just kidding

  6. #6

    Re: Today's Joke.

    Hello, and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline.

    If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

    If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

    If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

    If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

    If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

    If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

    If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press-no-one will answer.

    If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969.

    If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.

    If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name.

    If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.

    If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

    If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

    If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

    If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

    If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

    If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.

    Sean Patrick Hannifin
    My MP3s | My Melody Generator | my album
    "serious music" ... as if the rest of us are just kidding

  7. #7
    Senior Member Styxx's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2004
    Location
    West Seneca, NY
    Posts
    11,075

    Re: Today's Joke.

    Sean, Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
    Press - 00000000000
    Styxx

  8. #8

    Re: Today's Joke.

    These jokes today have given me the best laughs this week. THANKS!

    RichR

  9. #9
    Senior Member Styxx's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2004
    Location
    West Seneca, NY
    Posts
    11,075

    Re: Today's Joke.

    A guy walks in to the Barbershop. Barber says, "What will it be today?" Guy says, "well I want it going with my waves on top, faded on one side, plug the other, and just make it all out of shape and messed up." Barber says, "Now why in the world do you want your hair cut like that."

    Guy says, "That’s how you cut it last time"
    Styxx

  10. #10
    Senior Member Styxx's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2004
    Location
    West Seneca, NY
    Posts
    11,075

    Re: Today's Joke.

    If a person goes to the doctor and is diagnosed with Alzheimer’s then forgets he or she ever saw the doctor does he or she have to pay the bill? I forgot…
    Styxx

Go Back to forum

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •