I for the life of me don't remember where I got this from but here it is.
(How to speak Clouseauese)

Rule #1: Any word with a 'ah', 'oh', or 'oo' sound, you must add a short 'eh' sound before it.
Examples: bomb = "behm", phone = 'pheone', room = 'rheum'

Rule #2: Any word with a 'uh' sound, you must replace it with a 'ih' sound.
Ex. monkey = 'minkey.

Rule #3: Any word with a long 'ay' or 'ee' sound, replace it with a short 'ah' sound, but don't apply rule #1.
Ex. crazy = 'crahzy', repair = 'rahpair'.

Rule #4: For a past tense word ending with an 'ed', you must split the word in the wrong place or accent the wrong syllable.
Ex. solved = 'sol-ved', received = 'rah-ceived'.

Review: "Yeuw have rah-ceived a bimp". Can you see the application of rules #1,2,3 and 4?.

Rule #5: To reflect anger or dissatifaction with an object, animal or person, add the word "swine" before it.
Ex. 'swine' moat, 'swine' parrot, 'swine' maid.

Rule #6: If you are ever presented with information or facts you are unaware of, immediately respond as if you already had knowledge of it.
Ex. "Yes, I kneuw that... I kneuw that". (remember to apply rule #1 to the word 'know')

Rule #7: Any person who does not understand a word you are saying must be referred to as a fool or an idiot.
Ex. "Yes, a rheumm... that is what I have been saying you idiot!"

Rule #8: Any reference to Kato must include the word "yellow".
(Even though this may be considered politically incorrect, it was used affectionately)
Ex. "Kato my little 'yellow' friend, I'm 'heum!"'. (rule#1 again to the word 'home').