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Topic: How to cook a conductor

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  1. #1

    How to cook a conductor

    I found this recipe on Everynote.com. I want to share it with you, in case you are out of ideas for a 4th-of-july dinner. It may be too late for this, though (unless you happen to have a conductor in the freezer, but you know: fresh is best), but then there is Thanksgiving. And fall may be the best season for conductors - they are still fresh and juicy in the fall.

    How to Cook a Conductor

    Ingredients

    One large Conductor, or two small assistant conductors
    Ketchup
    26 large garlic cloves
    Crisco or other solid vegetable shortening (Lard may be used)
    1 cask cheap wine
    1 lb. alfalfa sprouts
    2 lbs. assorted yuppie food, such as tofu or yoghurt
    One abused Orchestra

    First, catch a Conductor. Remove the tail and horns. Carefully separate the large ego and reserve for sauce. Remove any batons, pencils (on permanent loan from the Principal Second Violin) and long articulations and discard. Remove the hearing aid and discard (it never worked anyway). Examine your conductor carefully - many of them are mostly large intestine. If you have such a Conductor, you will have to discard it and catch another. Clean the Conductor as you would a squid, but do not separate the tentacles from the body. If you have an older Conductor, such as one from a Major Symphony Orchestra or Summer Music Festival, you may wish to tenderize by pounding the Conductor on a rock with timpani mallets or by smashing the Conductor between two large cymbals.

    Next, pour 1/2 of the cask of wine into a bath tub and soak the Conductor in the wine for at least 12 hours (exceptions: British, German and some Canadian Conductors have a natural beery taste which some people like and the wine might not marry well with this flavor. Use your judgment). When the Conductor is sufficiently marinated, remove any clothes the Conductor may be wearing and rub it all over with the garlic. Then cover your Conductor with the Crisco. using vague, slow circular motions. Take care to cover every inch of the Conductor's body with the shortening. If this looks like fun, you can cover yourself with Crisco too, removing clothes first.

    Next, take your orchestra and put as much music out as the stands will hold without falling over, and make sure that there are lots of really loud passages for everyone, big loud chords for the winds and brass, and lots and lots of tremolos for the strings. (Bruckner might be appropriate). Rehearse these passages several times, making certain that the brass and winds are always playing as loud as they can and the strings are tremolo-ing at their highest speed. This should ensure adequate flames for cooking your Conductor. If not, insist on taking every repeat and be sure to add the second repeats in really large symphonies. Ideally, you should choose your repertoire to have as many repeats as possible, but if you have a piece with no repeats in it at all, just add some, claiming that you have seen the original, and there was an ink blot there that "looked like a repeat" to you and had obviously been missed by every other fool who had looked at this score. If taking all the repeats does not generate sufficient flames, burn the complete set of score and parts to all of the Bruckner symphonies.

    When the flames have died down to a medium inferno, place your Conductor on top of your orchestra (they won't mind as they are used to it) until it is well tanned, the hair turns back to its natural color and all of the fat has dripped out. Be careful not to overcook or your Conductor could end up tasting like stuffed ham. Make a sauce by combining the ego, sprouts and ketchup to taste, placing it all in the blender and pureeing until smooth. If the ego is bitter, sweeten with honey to taste. Slice your Conductor as you would any turkey. Serve accompanied by the assorted yuppie food and the remaining wine with the sauce on the side.

    WARNING: Due to environmental toxins present in conductor feeding areas, such as heavy metals, oily residue from intensive PR machinery manufacture, and extraordinarily high concentrations of E.coli, cryptosporidium, and other hazardous organisms associated with animal wastes, the Departments for Conductor Decimation (DCD) recommend that the consumption of conductors be limited to one per season. Overconsumption of conductors has been implicated in the epidemiology of a virulent condition known as "Bataan fever." Symptoms of this disorder include swelling of the brain, spasms in the extremities, delusions of competence, auditory hallucinations and excessive longevity.

  2. #2
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    Re: How to cook a conductor

    How funny!

    I have to remember to write down those ingedients on my "Chopin Liszt" next time I go to the grocery story

  3. #3

    Re: How to cook a conductor

    Gary, can you pick up some Verdi sauce and a Bachs of tortillas while you at it.

    Thanks. You rach, man.
    Steve Hanlon, guitarist/composer
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  4. #4

    Re: How to cook a conductor

    Gary,

    don't buy conductors, they're hugely overprized.

    You gotta wack'em yourself!

    Beat'em with styxx

  5. #5

    Re: How to cook a conductor

    ROFLOL...that's a good one. Thanks and have a happy 4th!
    ;-)

    Jim Jarnagin - no not THAT Jim Jarnagin, the other one.

  6. #6
    Senior Member Styxx's Avatar
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    West Seneca, NY
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    Talking Re: How to cook a conductor

    Quote Originally Posted by Nickie Fønshauge
    Gary,

    don't buy conductors, they're hugely overprized.

    You gotta wack'em yourself!

    Beat'em with styxx
    Yup, it's your best bet! I've got mine from the BPO! Hint hint ...
    Styxx

  7. #7

    Re: How to cook a conductor

    Beeffalo Pathetique Orchestra

  8. #8
    Senior Member Styxx's Avatar
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    Talking Re: How to cook a conductor

    Respectfully submitted for your perusal: a Kanamit. Height: a little over nine feet. Weight: in the neighborhood of three hundred and fifty pounds. Origin : unknown. Motives? Therein hangs the tale, for in just a moment we're going to ask you to shake hands, figuratively, with a Christopher Columbus from another galaxy and another time. This is the Twilight Zone.

    " Mr. Chambers! Don't get on that ship! The rest of the book, To Serve Man, it's... it's a cookbook!"
    Styxx

  9. #9

    Re: How to cook a conductor

    Quote Originally Posted by Styxx
    To Serve Man
    Sounds like the Greatest Book Ever Written .... for cannibals

  10. #10

    Re: How to cook a conductor

    "Soylent Green is PEOPLE!!"

    [I'm sure there was a clause in the small print that excluded conductors from this classification... as I've been trained as a conductor, I'm safe.]

    Houston Haynes - Titan Line Music

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