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Topic: Jokes for Today.

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  1. #1
    Senior Member Styxx's Avatar
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    Talking Jokes for Today.

    Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time. The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return. Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them “The first one who can use the words “liver” and “cheese” together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.” The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says “I love liver and cheese.” “Oh, how childish,” said the Poodle. “That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.” She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said “How well can you do?” “Ummmm...I HATE liver and cheese,” blurts the Golden Retriever. “My, my,” said the Poodle. “I guess it’s hopeless. That’s just as dumb as the Lab’s sentence.” She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, “How about you, little guy?” The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says...
    “Liver alone. Cheese mine.”

    An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer — you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is becoming a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake — he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
    Styxx

  2. #2

    Re: Jokes for Today.

    Both excellent! Thanks for sharing.
    Steve A. Gallant

    www.SteveGallant.com

  3. #3
    Senior Member Styxx's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes for Today.

    Quote Originally Posted by BermudaFlyer
    Both excellent! Thanks for sharing.
    Ya know, each time I see a post from you I feel warmer! Can't wait for summer and I hope we don't have as much moisture as last.
    Styxx

  4. #4

    Re: Jokes for Today.

    Thanks Styxx, nice way to start off the morning.
    Tim

  5. #5

    Re: Jokes for Today.

    Uh-oh Styxx, be careful with the lawyer jokes.
    Alan Lastufka | www.BelaDMedia.com
    Producer/Artistic Design | Content Producer

    20 Things

  6. #6
    Senior Member Styxx's Avatar
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    Talking Re: Jokes for Today.

    Quote Originally Posted by Alan Lastufka
    Uh-oh Styxx, be careful with the lawyer jokes.
    What are you kidding! A lawyer told me this joke yesterday.
    Styxx

  7. #7
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    Re: Jokes for Today.

    JOKE POLICE CAPTAIN HERE.....

    You are all grounded...go to your rooms and no supper. Wait till your father gets home !!!

    ROFL

    "P"
    Windows XP-pro SP2, Pentium 4
    3.4 GHz, 2GB RAM
    GPO & Finale 2005b.r1
    ________________________________________________

    Music is moral law. It gives a soul to the universe, wings to the mind, flight to the imagination, a charm to sadness and a gaiety and life to everything. It is the essence of order and leads to all that is good, true and beautiful. -- Plato


  8. #8

    Re: Jokes for Today.

    A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

    Christopher Duncan
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Author of
    Unite the Tribes and The Career Programmer
    www.PracticalUSA.com


  9. #9

    Re: Jokes for Today.

    Two recent vasectomy patients are urinating off the end of a dock and engage in some small talk:

    Patient #1: "Brrrr. That water is cold!"

    Patient #2: "Yeah. Deep too."

  10. #10
    Senior Member Styxx's Avatar
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    Talking Re: Jokes for Today.

    Did you hear about the classical pianist who was not a good speller? When she went out to buy something she left a sign on her door that said: "Out Chopin. Be Bach in a minuet"

    A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn't improve.
    Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer."
    A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."

    How does a guitar player make a million dollars?
    He starts out with eight million.
    Styxx

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